Filth

Judging from some of the conversations I've had in the past week, it seems as if we're all pretty much as uptight as each other about self-sex. The difference is, women don't seem to me to be made to feel dirty for masturbating. As I was saying to a female friend who shall remain anonymous, 'You lot can walk into the local plastic cock shop on your lunchbreak and no-one gives a damn. In fact, the Ann Summers in Birmingham is right next to the Teddy Bear shop. Us men either have to go to a 'Private Shop' or look like dodgy bastards in our local newsagent just to get a bit of *ahem* visual stimulus, unless we steal porn from the internet, and then what would happen to those poor starlets and their crack habits? You lot can walk round with a plastic cock in your handbag.'

(On that last point, seriously, what the fuck is up with that? Can you girls seriously not stop touching yourselves for 5 fucking minutes?)

Chatting to Carly, I brought up the Fleshlight, which she's written about here. I'd like to approach this with a bit of dignity, so I'll try to keep my giggles away from the keyboard. (There are two good looking girls sitting next to me and I'm about to look at the Fleshlight website. The things I do for England....)

Here we go. This is the thing thats been on my mind for the past few days. Sex in a Can. I have 2 points to make about this. Firstly, the beer can. My mind completely boggles at the idea of this. Personally, I don't fully understand the idea of hiding your sex toy in a beer can. I don't think its gonna fool anyone.

'Hey, mind if i grab a brew?'
'Sure.....SHIT NOT THAT ONE! That's......er......my favourite beer.....yeah....'

Now, I know it's not as if there aren't.....shall we say.....discreet pleasure solutions for the shyer lady......mini lipstick dildos and whathaveyou, but I'm almost certain that you don't have anything that screams 'I PLAY WITH MYSELF AND AM EMBARASSED ABOUT IT' like 'Sex in a Can'. Hell, I'd be embarassed to own a Fleshlight too - but if I've got to the point where I'm fucking a piece of rubber, I think embarassment would be the least of my worries.

Secondly, I'd like to talk about the way this thing is marketed. 'Sex in a Can'. Think about what this means. This isnt being marketed as a tool to assist with someone's sex life, it's intended to become someone's sex life. Long story short, you fuck this because no-one will let you fuck them. Perhaps it's a self-fulfilling prophecy? Shit, son, if you buy this you're pretty much admitting defeat. Now, I'm aware that womens 'toys' (lets be blunt, its a plastic cock that you shove up yourself. No ifs, no buts, sugarcoat it all you want but thats what it is) are sometimes marketed tongue-in-cheek as 'man replacements' or whatever, but I think this is hardly the same thing. This seems to me to be completely marketed as a 'shag this cos you sure as hell aren't gonna get a REAL woman' kind of device.

Bottom line is, while you lot might well feel as embarassed as us about masturbation, no-one forces you to. Most people could not, as far as I know, give a fuck about female masturbation one way or the other. However, talk about a man whacking it and people are disgusted. It's seen as the pastime for lonely, sad bastards. Frankly, that ain't fair. You think the idea of a sweaty bloke alone in his room furiously pounding away is funny? Well, the idea of a girl doing herself with a plastic cock (remember, I like to use nice simple terms) is as funny to me. (Well, a little hotter, but I am a straight male, after all.)

As I said in my last blog, you women are no better, no purer, and no less worthy of ridicule than us men. You just seem to think you're above it.

*remembers he has more female than male friends at uni, fucking SCARPERS*